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The Skeptic’s Chakras

This is a step-by-step guide

How to find balance, From top to bottom:

Hat chakra: While in public, pull the brim of your hat down as far as possible so you don’t have to see the faces of all the imbeciles around you.

Headache chakra: After listening to peoples shit all day long, take 4 Advil and have a cup of coffee.

Scream Chakra: March into the middle of the forest and scream at the top of your lungs for no less than 5 minutes. It’ll release the tongue-bitten frustration of the day.

Tight Sternum Chakra: I don’t know. Go for a run or something. It’ll temporarily steady the asshole-induced irregular heartbeat caused by co-workers or customers you want to strangle to death with piano wire.

Solar Plexus Chakra: Err, it’s just a bundle of nerves. Got nothing for you here. Just make sure you don’t let anyone punch you there, because your breath will come whooshing out of your throat as if it’s a bellow. And heed my advice, because this will disrupt your scream chakra.

Belly Button Chakra: Like the back of your ears, don’t neglect to clean this area during a shower, you smelly fuck.

The Crotch Chakra: Oral sex.

Filed under Chakras woo woo skeptics quacks meditation pseudoscience